Shotgun Norman

Theres an old seaside town named Torquay,

That’s been noted for its’ fresh air and fun,

And on one summer’s day walked in Mr Norman,

With Captain Faithful, his father’s shotgun.

 

An Ugly little fellow was Mr Norman,

Face calloused and swollen, quite a fright,

Smiling at some old ladies he crossed the beaches, 

Who all laughed and pointed at the sight.

 

Then onto Princess Pier he walked smiling,

Coat wrapped up close to his chest,

Looking down at the ground past the holidaymakers,

Who never noticed Captain Faithful under his vest,

 

Now on the end of the pier, sat a content fisherman 

Known locally as fisherman Sam.

He’d caught twenty mackerel and ten herring, that morning,

Whispering ‘ee how clever I am’

 

Waiting patiently for the next little nipper,

He never noticed the barrel next to his ear,

As bang echoed loud over the beach head,

He disappeared beneath the waves of the old Pier.

 

Then it was after this disturbing and noisy occurrence,

Mr. Norman then spotted Tiny Tim.

Walking up and down rather randomly,

Staring at his phone like he was looking for something.

 

Happily enjoying a new ice cream, 

Having just whined to get a double cone, 

Contentedly ambling around  catching pokemon, 

As they appeared on the screen of his iPhone.

 

Poor Tiny Tim was shot straight through the forehead,

And all before he’d even had a swim.

Then honeymooners Tom and jemima were shot next.

You couldn’t say they were doing anything.

 

Papers reported how heroica security guard Simon,

Appeared on the scene to face off against Norman next,

But seeing as he wasn’t armed with anything,

Bravely he took a shotgun barrel to the chest.

 

PC Parry was first to the scene with his taser, 

Saying ‘Don’t be silly son, hand it over to me.’

So as a goodwill gesture to the officer,

Mr Norman threw Captain Faithful into the sea.

 

The constable appearing next and was quite nice about it:

Remarking ‘What a sensible fellow you are’ 

‘Tell me, ‘Are you a native of here Torquay?’

‘Or have you traveled in today from very far?’

 

The Chief of police had to be sent for,

He came and made a very grave ‘oh dear’

Waited for the cameras then made his statement:

‘A very dreadful occurence this time of the year.’

 

The commissioner came asking, are we sure he’s the man?

To which a diver replied, here’s his shotgun ma’am,

‘I’m not sure that’s the best we can get here fellas,

‘A confession can’t do us any harm’

 

So then after a helpful full confession.

The officers were all very pleased,

They thought of making the prisoner comfortable, 

To dissuade him from thoughts to break free. 

 

Though first Norman wasn’t too helpful, responding with

A ‘Fuck Off’ (Leave Me Alone) and ‘Don’t mind me,’

But his jailor’s cajoled him into a more sensible,

‘Well you can’t say no to a nice cup of tea.”

 

Now indeed, some of the damage inflicted was terrible, 

There was devastation, pollution upon the high seas.

The tide was going out and bringing with it, 

Sand-castle buckets and floating sun-creams.

 

On the other hand there was no fighting among the seagulls,

They all had that day at one battered cod a-piece,

And there was freedom and justice for the captured. 

No one had a licence so all Sam’s fish were released.

 

But when it was all said and done, the  shopkeepers were horrified.

Lamented ‘ooh what’ll it do to the trade’

‘Will they come back next summer?’ they asked each other?’

‘And after the fucking upgrades to the pier we’ve made!’